You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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