I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
