I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
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I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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