I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
