my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
