he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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