Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize