I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
