stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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