i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
this is an emotional support booty call
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
