No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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