They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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