That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
