i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
