I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
