I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
