I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
