i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
