bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Randomize
