I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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