Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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