someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
