My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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