If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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