So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
