how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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