I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
