remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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