if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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