I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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