We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
