So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
