I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
