dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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