Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
