worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
