Apparently you make a good broom.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
