I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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