I saw his package. It spoke to me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
