I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just pee around me
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
