Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
