peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
