Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
