i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
