nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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