My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
