if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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