i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
