When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
