Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
