His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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