So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
