Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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