I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
