Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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