Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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