this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
